Everyone of us (North and South of Victoria Island) has had to hop molues. Some of us do it with some frequency, others only do it once in a while. But unanimously, we have all had some kind of clothing disaster while we were molue hopping. So here are some tips to ensure that you never have to throttle a bus conductor to pay for your torn Calvin Klein blouse ever again.
Molues are not for the faint of heart, or big of gele. If you know you are going to be hopping molues, try not to wear anything that has too much extra fabric. Casual looks are best; fitted shirts, straight jeans, well tailored cargo pants. That way you don’t have to wonder if all of you is neatly tucked in your corner of the bus. If you really want to wear that agbada, have some respect and hire a taxi.
WEAR PROTECTIVE HEADGEAR
I know far too many people who have bumped their heads on the door frame of a molue or had their hair pulled out of nowhere when a bus conductor inspired free-for-all fight fest starts out of nowhere. So prepare for this by investing in a couple of protective head pieces. If you aren’t the fussy type, an understated baseball can suffice or you can play it up by going for a fedora, a panama or a bowler hat. I personally suggest a bowler hat, very British spy.
Do you think this is your daddy’s car that you’re wearing those flimsy sandals? Nah. If you’re going to win at this molue thing, you need to take it seriously. Fighting to get into the only molue at 11pm in Yaba can quickly devolve into war, so you best be wearing the right shoes for the stampede. Timberland boots are back in fashion so you can invest in those, preferably anything but the tan coloured ones. Or you could go for broke and buy yourself a pair of fancy biker lug boots.
Nigerians are very superstitious people and they might give you a little more space if they think you’re a babalawo, so ditch that fancy watch and stock up on traditional coral bracelets from the west. Then there are the woven bracelets from Northern Nigeria usually done with leather twine, the more traditional looking the better. Don’t overdo it thought, three bracelets are more than enough, before some overzealous pastor decides to conduct his first bus exorcism.
You never know when things will go wrong in a molue, just so we are all clear, never go commando if you’re going to be danfo hopping. Just don’t, please, for all our sakes. For the ladies, a good bra that supports you is necessary, lest one unexpected pull and everyone sees what you’re working with. That goes for the men too, a good inner vest and your underwear of choice is worth more than its weight in gold.
MARK YOUR TERRITORY
The number one complaints the IJGB’s who occasionally use molues for a more ‘authentic native’ experience give is that some people be coming ready for biochemical warfare. Why complain when you can come prepared, a good perfume with strong earthy base notes and floral high notes will be all the difference you need to save yourself from becoming our first airborne odor tragedy.